Lost & Found

When does accommodation become compromise? When did caring about your feelings become neglecting my own.
This is not an introvert’s disapproval of the human race. I am a young woman going through the turmoil of realising how much she has let herself become man’s play thing. Admittedly, I have let the males I call friends have their way with me thinking something may just come of it. Nothing did. But this is not me bashing myself; this is me finding my way through – the reasons I put myself in this cycle.
I wonder sometimes if others really care about others. At my present institution I find that mutual relationships go no further than sex and weed. Though sex isn’t a horrible thing, it can prove to be an emotionally complex experience. But a year at this college has taught me to separate emotons and sex. That was one thing. And it would have just been a phase if certain events hadn’t taken place. Without going to details, I pretty much lost the little sanity the college left me early in the semester. I just stopped caring about who it was, or even how many. I just fucked (forgive the language). I started expecting this kind of thing. It wasn’t until I became a sexual favour that I felt like dirt.
I’ve made strides to start avoiding people and negative things in my life. Hopefully, I don’t revert to the introverted life I once lived. I have this odd notion that if my best friends didn’t leave the country now if this would have happened. By I also don’t want to put that Weston him either. So, no one is to blame. Yet I still feel this need to be saved…like I need someone to care for me. Then I remember: no one cares if your broken.
I truly detest myself, not many see it, but it’s there. I lost myself, but I’m not the person I’ll be looking for.

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